Intro:
Sometimes I feel like my job here is just to entertain students so they’ll be motivated to study English better. But the joke’s on them! Cuz these kids are hilarious! One of my favorite things to do is to stroll the hallways during lunch time or cleaning time and just chat with my lovely students. Here’s a few snippits from our more memorable (and ridiculous) conversations, all of which leave me thinking “who teaches them this stuff?!”
Note: to get the full effect, try reading these in your best Japanese accent by pronouncing my name like “joe-knee”
Meet the new freshmen…
Walking down the hallway
Girl student: (with much enthusiasm): Hello Jenny!
Me: Uh my name is Johnny.
Girl Student: Goodbye Joenee!
Me: Close enough.
Before a school assembly. Girl student and boy student approach me.
Girl Student: Michael! Hello!
Me: huh?
Boy student: Michael? なんで！Johnny!
Me: Haha yes my name is Johnny.
After school assembly. Same girl student waves to me from a distance.
Girl student: Michael! Michael!
Boy student: なんであねん！ (playfully smacks her).
Doing my rounds during lunch time:
Girl student: Johnny hello!
Me: Hello! Beautiful weather today, right?
Girl student (looking up at the blue sky): Today, it is raining.
Me: Uh, no I think it’s sunny today.
2 days later. It rains.
Same girl student: Johnny hello!
Me: Hello! How are you today?
Girl student: Today, it is sunny.
Me: No. It’s definitely raining right now.
In the hallway during cleaning time:
Me: What sport do you play?
Other boy student: He played baseball! Junior high school!
Boy student: But, no more!
Other boy student: He retired!
Me: otsukaresamadesu! (Japanese phrase meaning something like “you worked hard, well done”)
Boy student: Thank you!
Doing my rounds during lunch, I come across a group of goofy girl students. Upon seeing me, one of them breaks out a perfect moonwalk.
Me: Wow! Are you Michael Jackson?
Girl student: My name is Maiko!
Me: Oh. Maiko Jackson?
Girl student: Yes. Maiko Jackson!
I still don’t know if her name is actually Maiko. But it is now.
During class, I’m walking around helping students with a worksheet.
Girl student: Do you like Hanshin Tigers? (referencing the local Osaka pro baseball team)
Me: Yes! I went to a Tigers vs Giants game. Tigers won 9-0!
Girl student: I like Giants. Goodbye!
During my self-introduction lesson
Me: Ok class, please write down three questions for me!
Girl student in the front row (turning to her neighbor): kanojo wa eigode dou iun? (how do you say “girlfriend” in English?)
During lunch time, a group of girl students approach me to quiz me on their names. My least favorite game.
Girl student: What’s my name?
Me: Uhh… Akiko?
Girl students (bursting into laughter): ああなんであねんなに？！ (and a flurry of high-pitched Japanese. Clearly I was wrong.)
Girl student: nankai itta?! (How many times have I told him?!)
Me: Ah I’m sorry!
It had been about 7 times now.
Hello my name is….
Boy student: “My name is (Japanese name), please call me gorilla.”
After PE class. Boy student A, pointing to his friend: “His name is sweaty man.”
Me: “what?”
Boy student B: “Hi I’m sweaty man, nice to meet you!”
Boy student: “My name is funny guy! I am Japanese comedian!”
There’s no shortage of Japanese comedians around here, that’s for sure.
I approach a group of boy students in the hallway.
Me: “Hello!”
Boy student: “I’m fine thank you!” runs away
I’m flattered, really… 
Girl student: “Johnny hello! You have small face!”
Me: “uhhh thank you?”
Girl student: “Johnny, will you marry me?”
Me: “Wow, that was the best English I’ve ever heard you speak! But no.
Girl student: “eh?” (huh?)
The next week:
(same) Girl student: “Johnny, come home with me!”
Me: “No! Really girl?! I’m your teacher!”
Girl student: storms away in a flurry of incomprehensible Japanese.
The next week
(same) Girl student: “Kiss me!”
Me: “No! [name], hand check!”
Girl student: “eh? Eigo zenzen wakarihen!” (Huh? I never understand your English!)
Girl student A: “Johnny, do you have girlfriend?”
Me: “haha no I don’t.”
Girl student B: “But you are cool! …and sexy!”
Girl student A: hysterically laughing hits her friend and shouts stuff in Japanese. Then in English: “….us too. Sexy!”
Me: “haha who teaches you this stuff?!”
KonnichiWhatsup 